http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/mzm9d/up_vs_twilight/c354zbz

I have actually heard many of these interpretations before, but never put together in quite as dark and horrifying a way, so it’s give me some food for thought.  A friend of mine who I used to work with commented to me once that she thought Edward was abusive and emotionally manipulative at worst, and creepy at best (bringing to mind the scene of him watching her for several nights in a row as Bella sleeps). 

I have always had mixed feelings about the character of Edward whenever I think of this series. On one hand, he is mature enough to realize he is not a good romantic choice for Bella. She is about to graduate high school, is relatively healthy, and a good person, and has many opportunities ahead of her.  He tries initially to stay away from her (He himself admits that he doesn’t think he has a soul, and is extremely reluctant to turn her into a vampire). On the other hand- he decides to break up the relationship only *after* he has assured her again and again that he will never leave her, which is pretty fucked up if you think about it. (ie, he had plenty of chances before then to break things off, when they were less emotionally entangled).  He leaves her alone in the woods, where she sinks into such a deep depression that she just lays down on the leaves and cries for several days.

Still- my feeling of how the series ended is that Bella was truly happy, despite her traumatic pregnancy and traumatic aspects of a romance with Edward.  My interpretation of the title of “Breaking Dawn,” the last book in the saga, was that her life up until Edward was essentially devoid of light (whether this is actually true or not, or simply evidence of Bella’s state of mind pre-Edward, I don’t know), and that he brought the light back into her life.  She still appears to love her family and her friends even after becoming a vampire, which indicates to me that a lot of personality is still there even after her transformation.

It’s not, in my opinion, a story of “empowerment,” and definitely does not pretend to have a heroine who has the strength to persevere and keep growing despite being in pain (unlike, for example, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, who continues to slay vampires and save the world and love her friends even while in the throes of romantic angst).  Bella crumples. And goes borderline insane. And then finally begins to rebuild herself when Edward recants his decision to leave her.

Anyway, this blog writer’s interpretation of the characters’ arcs is quite interesting in my opinion.  It’s fascinating to me how many strong opinions and feelings this series has appeared to bring up in so many people. 

How would people react to privacy being taken away from them, permanently? Would it depend on their personalities? Their upbringing? The only “privacy” people really kept in this society was what went on in their own minds (unlike Orwell’s 1984, where even that was up for public scrutiny, but I digress)  How would you feel if anybody in the world could glimpse what you were doing, whenever they wanted, without you even being aware that they were looking at you? How would you feel knowing that thousands of people could be looking at you now and you having no way to discern who is watching?

The reason I bring this up is because I notice a discernible, steady decrease in privacy, in society, as time goes on.

You happen to be out in the street. Someone snaps a photo of you with their cell phone. They then could upload the photo of you and your location directly onto Youtube, or Facebook, or wherever.  Within 5-10 minutes, hundreds of people could theoretically know your name and location.

People can trace your IP addresses.

Someone can take photos of you and post them online, and tag you.  Celebrities cannot go to the grocery store without thousands of people knowing their location almost immediately, if someone posts about it on Twitter. (this is part of being famous, admittedly, but regardless..)

Security cameras are in most office buildings, in most gyms, and in most public places in general.

On Facebook, if you get invited to an event and click “I’m attending,” suddenly dozens, if not hundreds, of people, know exactly where you will be on that time and date, and perhaps who you’re going with.

I’m not really calling this phenomenon “bad”, and one might argue that things haven’t really changed much in the last 50 years, just taken different forms.

However, the only place where we are not constantly “watched” is really in our own homes. I wonder where we will be in 100 years?

Just food for thought.

“Oh, crap….not the ORANGE BUTTON!!?”

“I hate this corporate bulls**t,” one 24-year-old female was gracious enough to tell us on her lunch break, eyes flicking nervously in all directions as she kept an eye out for her immediate (apparently strict) supervisor.  “I want to get out of here as soon as I can.  They don’t tell you in college that all you’re preparing for is a life of drudgery and conformity.  Screw this!!”

Another 41 year old male seemed to have a similar opinion: “I’d never tell my boss this,” he mused, while sipping on his Red Bull, “but I hate my job.  The people I work with are ok, but all of this feels so fake.  No one ever says what they really mean, and appearance is everything. Who wants to live like that? I wish I could retire, like, RIGHT NOW,” he says, glaring at his management-imposed Blackberry.

However, one man in America doesn’t seem to mind corporate life. In fact, he seems to…well, be enamored of it.  The aforementioned young woman pointed him out to us. “That guy over there seems really into all this corporate bulls**t”, she huffed, rolling her eyes at him. “I never talk to him because he’s like a motherfu**ing automaton.”

Curious, our reporters made our way over to ‘that guy’ to ask his opinion about the general office 9-5, 40 hour workweeks.

“Well, hello!” he said cheerfully.  “Would you like a sip of my lowfat caramel macchiato with whipped cream? It’s DELICIOUS.”

Surprised, we declined, and pressed him to answer our questions.

“Oh, well, I guess you could say I really like my job, and my office.”  He paused to dab at his mouth with his Starbucks napkin. “…Ok, who am I kidding? I LOVE office jobs.  This is my third one in the last fifteen years. I just fuck**g love everything about it! I mean, there’s a dress code, so I don’t have to worry about what I wear every morning…I just put on a variation of the same outfit! And I love having the exact same hours every day…I can just set my alarm for the same time every day! And, man, I just love the atmosphere of my office.  So clean, so sterilized, so professional.  Why would I ever want to go anywhere else? I just fuck**g love it all!!”

He continued talking to us about his love of corporate life, and insinuated that he indeed slept some nights at the office.

He continued:  “Yeah, I don’t get all this stuff about ‘sticking it to The Man’ and all these kids saying “Damn the Man!’ It’s like, what has The Man ever done to these people? The Man is loving and supportive and just wants to make sure you pay all your bills. In fact, I love the Man.”

Later on, we asked some other employees about this employee.  “Yeah, that one guy just seems to show up at like, all the office functions,” another young employee of the company said.  “I don’t get it. I tried going to an office party once and it was the lamest experience of my life.  But he’s like, always there. He seems to love spending time with his bosses. Is that, like, natural?”

More research on corporate attitudes forthcoming!

Yes, you heard right! But what on earth would make people crazy enough to leave his Heavenly Presence, to go instead dwell in the realm of The Dark One?

Apparently, too many souls were getting irritated at the lack of decent coffee and espresso in the afterlife.

We were lucky enough to be able to grab a few eager souls to talk to before they left for good.

“It was getting ridiculous,” stated one well-to-do youngish soul, who appeared to be female. “Yes, I understand the whole ‘get rid of earthly desires’ bit that Heaven talks about a lot, but come on. Eternity without my peppermint mocha? How can that even be Heaven?”

Several years ago, the CEO of Starbucks realized that his company had more or less gotten to every culture and subculture on the planet; only in the very poorest recesses of third-world countries would one not be able to walk 10 minutes to get an iced latte. According to inside sources, the company realized how much more revenue they’d be able to rake in if they also targeted populations in alternate dimensions.

“I realized that the whole dying thing might make some people nostalgic for their lives on earth,” said Dave McNeal, assistant to the VP of the popular coffee chain. “I mean, the transition from body to pure energy is hard to deal with enough without ripping away one of the sole pleasures of life; getting that morning buzz from our Sumatra line.”

Apparently, even Lucifer himself cannot greet new souls without his morning cappucino. Although we weren’t able to obtain an exclusive interview with the Prince of Lies himself, sources from inside have told us that Satan gets “extremely unpleasant” if he doesn’t give himself time to ingest some caffeine before tormenting new visitors.

We expect that more companies will follow Starbucks into the Dark Realms shortly, to maximize profits.