God is a tad miffed. Not because more people are sinning, not because not enough people believe in Him anymore, but because about 40% of his heavenly populace has voluntarily left Heaven to go to…Hell.
Yes, you heard right! But what on earth would make people crazy enough to leave his Heavenly Presence, to go instead dwell in the realm of The Dark One?
Apparently, too many souls were getting irritated at the lack of decent coffee and espresso in the afterlife.
We were lucky enough to be able to grab a few eager souls to talk to before they left for good.
“It was getting ridiculous,” stated one well-to-do youngish soul, who appeared to be female. “Yes, I understand the whole ‘get rid of earthly desires’ bit that Heaven talks about a lot, but come on. Eternity without my peppermint mocha? How can that even be Heaven?”
Several years ago, the CEO of Starbucks realized that his company had more or less gotten to every culture and subculture on the planet; only in the very poorest recesses of third-world countries would one not be able to walk 10 minutes to get an iced latte. According to inside sources, the company realized how much more revenue they’d be able to rake in if they also targeted populations in alternate dimensions.
“I realized that the whole dying thing might make some people nostalgic for their lives on earth,” said Dave McNeal, assistant to the VP of the popular coffee chain. “I mean, the transition from body to pure energy is hard to deal with enough without ripping away one of the sole pleasures of life; getting that morning buzz from our Sumatra line.”
Apparently, even Lucifer himself cannot greet new souls without his morning cappucino. Although we weren’t able to obtain an exclusive interview with the Prince of Lies himself, sources from inside have told us that Satan gets “extremely unpleasant” if he doesn’t give himself time to ingest some caffeine before tormenting new visitors.
We expect that more companies will follow Starbucks into the Dark Realms shortly, to maximize profits.
