I’m an amateur

My exclamation, upon attempting to play Guitar Hero II on the “Hard” setting for the very first time…

“Oh, crap….not the ORANGE BUTTON!!?”

Argh

Damn it. Someone in my office has brought in french fries for lunch. The smell of them is permeating the entire hallway, including where I sit. I haven’t had french fries in months, and haven’t missed them, yet now I’m suddenly craving them because of the smell. Coworkers and their horribly tasty lunches…

Too funny….

http://virtualquotewall.blogspot.com/2007/03/this-is-where-i-come-from-people.html

“Why are you so petrified of silence?”: A rant.

This is really quite strange–a day or two after reading Clint’s (Clintjcl.wordpress.com)’s blog entry on talkative coworkers, my very own officemate started doing the same bizarre behaviors that C. had mentioned his doing!

 This is particularly strange, because normally my officemate is pretty quiet, and because he’s busy, he normally keeps to himself in general. But the past two days, it has been almost…constant….talking.

 Which once again brings me to the eternal question which philosophers have debated since the dawn of time…why do some coworkers just not realize that not everyone likes to talk constantly while at work? Why are so many so blind to the body languange and non-verbal signals of others?

Yesterday, I was sitting at my desk with a huge stack of papers in front of me, as I was trying to read up on some new policies that would affect me.  I was very obviously concentrating and leaning over, reading. Yet, my officemate continued to talk. and talk. and talk. about NOTHING IN PARTICULAR.

Examples:  Him: ”I got a new laptop bag!”
Me: Cool.

Him: Look at all the compartments!

Me: Uh, yeah. Cool. [goes back to reading]

Him: The other day, so-and-so said to me…

 I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like  him well enough, he’s a decent guy and we often crack each other up. But there’s a time and a place for that. Like during lunchtime, or at the end of the day when both of us don’t have much work to do.  But would I constantly engage someone in conversation if they were obviously immersed in something work-related…or even if they were just focused on ANYTHING? No. I’d leave them alone and wait for them to take a break before unleashing a 5-minute rambling summary of random commentary

Which leads me to think that some people just genuinely don’t like sitting in the same room with another person and staying quiet. I can honestly say that it seems like some people have a compulsion to keep talking, even if it’s gibberish, just so they don’t have to actually sit and think and keep themselves busy, rather than relying on external mental stimulation.  I can almost sense their mental gears turning, and churning within their skulls, as they wrack their brains trying to think up stuff to say.

I understand that most people just consider constant chatting to be “normal” or “friendly”  but really, when I’m already focused on something, it’s extremely hard for me to switch gears and talk to someone.  Especially if they happen to bring up a topic I couldn’t care less about, and yet I’ll still have to keep a pleasant, neutral smile plastered on my face so as not to offend them.

If I consistently made efforts to talk about random occurences in my life to a coworker, and the typical result I got was just a blank smile and nodding, that would be a good enough signal for me to discontinue my behavior and just accept that the other person wasn’t interested in small talk. And it WOULDN’T OFFEND ME, either. 

So, I shall offer a pittance of advice:  If your coworker is bent over his/her desk, brow furrowed in concentration, with headphones on, it might not be the best time to wave your hands in their face to get their attention, just so you can complain about how your car is giving you trouble or how your daughter just entered kindergarten or how you lose your favorite pen.

“Office Work Sucks” Seems to Be the General Opinion…Except for That One Guy Over There

In the growing surges of apparent rebellion against the typical “9-5″ schedule that city workers have spoken out about, we have heard many comments that we believe are good indicators of the general opinion people have nowadays of their rigid office jobs.  We took the time to ask employees from different local companies about what they think of typical office life here in the city:

 ”I hate this corporate bulls**t,” one 24-year-old female was gracious enough to tell us on her lunch break, eyes flicking nervously in all directions as she kept an eye out for her immediate (apparently strict) supervisor.  “I want to get out of here as soon as I can.  They don’t tell you in college that all you’re preparing for is a life of drudgery and conformity. Fuck this!!”

 Another 41 year old male seemed to have a similar opinion: “I’d never tell my boss this,” he mused, while sipping on his Red Bull, “but I hate my job.  The people I work with are ok, but all of this feels so fake.  No one ever says what they really mean, and appearance is everything. Who wants to live like that? I wish I could retire, like, RIGHT NOW,” he says, glaring at his management-imposed Blackberry.

However, one man in America doesn’t seem to mind corporate life. In fact, he seems to…well, be enamored of it.  The aforementioned young woman pointed him out to us. “That guy over there seems really into all this corporate bulls**t”, she huffed, rolling her eyes at him. “I never talk to him because he’s like a motherfu**ing automaton.”

Curious, our reporters made our way over to ‘that guy’ to ask his opinion about the general office 9-5, 40 hour workweeks.

 ”Well, hello!” he said cheerfully.  “Would you like a sip of my lowfat caramel macchiato with whipped cream? It’s DELICIOUS.”

 Surprised, we declined, and pressed him to answer our questions.

 ”Oh, well, I guess you could say I really like my job, and my office.”  He paused to dab at his mouth with his Starbucks napkin. “…Ok, who am I kidding? I LOVE office jobs.  This is my third one in the last fifteen years. I just fuck**g love everything about it! I mean, there’s a dress code, so I don’t have to worry about what I wear every morning…I just put on a variation of the same outfit! And I love having the exact same hours every day…I can just set my alarm for the same time every day! And, man, I just love the atmosphere of my office.  So clean, so sterilized, so professional.  Why would I ever want to go anywhere else? I just fuck**g love it all!!”

 He continued talking to us about his love of corporate life, and insinuated that he indeed slept some nights at the office.

 He continued:  “Yeah, I don’t get all this stuff about ’sticking it to The Man’ and all these kids saying “Damn the Man!’ It’s like, what has The Man ever done to these people? The Man is loving and supportive and just wants to make sure you pay all your bills. In fact, I love the Man.” 

Later on, we asked some other employees about this employee.  “Yeah, that one guy just seems to show up at like, all the office functions,” another young employee of the company said.  “I don’t get it. I tried going to an office party once and it was the lamest experience of my life.  But he’s like, always there. He seems to love spending time with his bosses. Is that, like, natural?”

 More research on corporate attitudes forthcoming!

Ode to My Horribly Cold Office…an original poem

To have my own office, I admit,

is a pleasing thing;

No one ever bothers me, and

my phone only rarely rings.

I should be grateful, I know,

to be in this workplace;

My boss is often chipper

and has a grin upon his face.

Although, I must admit,

one aspect leaves me pained;

It is so terribly cold in here,

I feel frost permeating my brain.

“The thermostat is set at 70,”

they say, confused by my desperation,

“Most people are comfortable at that temp,

so cease the remonstrations!”

Many have glanced my way, puzzled,

trying to figure out why,

they’re able to walk around in summer clothing

while I wear my coat and try not to die.

No matter how warm it is outside,

no matter sun nor rain,

It feels like it’s below freezing in here,

as I twist in frigid pain.

The End.   

Starbucks Opens Chain in Hell

God is a tad miffed. Not because more people are sinning, not because not enough people believe in Him anymore, but because about 40% of his heavenly populace has voluntarily left Heaven to go to…Hell.

Yes, you heard right! But what on earth would make people crazy enough to leave his Heavenly Presence, to go instead dwell in the realm of The Dark One?

Apparently, too many souls were getting irritated at the lack of decent coffee and espresso in the afterlife.

We were lucky enough to be able to grab a few eager souls to talk to before they left for good.

“It was getting ridiculous,” stated one well-to-do youngish soul, who appeared to be female. “Yes, I understand the whole ‘get rid of earthly desires’ bit that Heaven talks about a lot, but come on. Eternity without my peppermint mocha? How can that even be Heaven?”

Several years ago, the CEO of Starbucks realized that his company had more or less gotten to every culture and subculture on the planet; only in the very poorest recesses of third-world countries would one not be able to walk 10 minutes to get an iced latte. According to inside sources, the company realized how much more revenue they’d be able to rake in if they also targeted populations in alternate dimensions.

“I realized that the whole dying thing might make some people nostalgic for their lives on earth,” said Dave McNeal, assistant to the VP of the popular coffee chain. “I mean, the transition from body to pure energy is hard to deal with enough without ripping away one of the sole pleasures of life; getting that morning buzz from our Sumatra line.”

Apparently, even Lucifer himself cannot greet new souls without his morning cappucino. Although we weren’t able to obtain an exclusive interview with the Prince of Lies himself, sources from inside have told us that Satan gets “extremely unpleasant” if he doesn’t give himself time to ingest some caffeine before tormenting new visitors.

We expect that more companies will follow Starbucks into the Dark Realms shortly, to maximize profits.